Having grown up in a Christian home, I had a beautiful vision of what my marriage would look like.
In my Sophomore year of high school, I was attracted to a funny and handsome Junior. We began dating and one day he said to me, “You have something I don’t have and I want it.” He was talking about my relationship with God and my family. His father was an alcoholic who was very abusive. His mother was very co-dependent and absent.
I began to share with him about God and he came to church with my family regularly. He gave his life to the Lord and we believed we were meant to be together forever. After graduating we got married. He immediately began acting just like his dad, the only role model he had to teach him about how to be a husband. I had made a commitment for life and believed that with God and my influence he could change and grow into a Godly husband.
He began partying. I did not want anything to do with drugs or alcohol so told him he couldn’t bring either into our home. So he began living his life separate from mine except for appearance’s sake.
I had never been around an addict so didn’t know how to respond in a healthy way. Everything I said, did, did not do, was wrong in his eyes and he made sure I knew how wrong it was. I lost all of my self-esteem and identity and didn’t tell a soul what was going on. I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday and to family events and pretended that everything was ok.
We had 2 baby girls that became my life. Since he was hardly ever home I raised them like my parents had raised me. Then a 3rd pregnancy happened and he informed me he didn’t want any more children and that I could not have the baby. I told him I wanted the baby but his response was, “If you have that baby I will leave.” We lived states away from all family, I didn’t have a college degree or training to get a good job, and I was afraid to have all of that responsibility on my own. Two days later, he came home and told me he had made an appointment at the clinic for an abortion and had borrowed the money to pay for it. He said if you don’t do this I will leave.” It went completely against everything I believe but I desperately wanted our marriage to work and I wanted my children to have a family with a Dad in their lives. I agreed and was devastated. I did not tell anyone else about it and just stuffed all of those shameful guilty emotions deep inside of me. He stayed but things did not get better. A year later I had a 4th pregnancy. He responded exactly the same but this time I refused an abortion. As soon as our baby boy was born he made it known that he was in love with someone else and wanted out of the marriage.
God told me He would take care of me and the children but I was petrified. My family and friends still did not know anything.
He moved out, I got a job, and began taking some college classes. He began to realize that contrary to what he had told me for years, “You need me, you couldn’t survive out there in the world without me”, was false. He also began to realize that without the charade of marriage making him look responsible, friends began seeing him as an addict and a terrible husband and father. He didn’t like people making comments about how awful he was treating us so decided he wanted to stay in the marriage but not change his life.
I went to my pastor at church and for the first time told someone else what was going on. He counseled me to seek professional help and I began going to Al-Anon to learn about living with an addict. I also began bible studies and read all kinds of books about rebuilding my true identity in Christ. God was so faithful and I got stronger and had more peace in my life. My children and I had a wonderful life and my husband continued to live his separate life but we were a family.
As the children got into their pre-teen years they began to realize the difference in the way Mom and Dad lived their lives. Because they didn’t actually see him drinking, drugging, and womanizing, they didn’t understand why he would be so mean and hurtful with his words when he did come home. They began to be afraid of him and didn’t want to be home if he was going to be there. It escalated to the point that they began acting out and making poor choices because of the atmosphere in our relationship.
I had never had the marriage that I knew God had available for His children, I was lonely and I hurt so desperately for my kids and wanted better for them. One day as I was counseling with my pastor he said he didn’t think I would go to hell if I got a divorce, that my husband had abandoned us on many levels besides the affairs. I began to consider the idea then an incident happened with our son that my husband responded to with physical abuse and I made up my mind at that moment. I have to get the kids and myself out of this dysfunctional situation.
The divorce was long and extremely painful, very ugly, but I knew I had made the right decision. My husband went deeper into his addictions, quit his job, walked out of our lives not even acknowledging the kid’s birthdays, Christmases, graduations, weddings, etc.
God continued to love me, provide in sometimes miraculous ways, and lead me to heal over many years. I have been married to a wonderful Christian man now for 28 years and enjoy the marriage God has available.
I am so grateful that I have gotten an education in many modalities to help others going through similar things to what I experienced. The very best training I got allows me to identify the emotions that I did not deal with at the time and that continue to live inside me. These trapped emotions create chaos physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, financially, and spiritually. I now help others find their trapped emotions and walk them through the steps to allowing God to set them free. It’s called The Emotion Code. You can learn more about it at: The Emotion Code: Explained In 15 minutes by Emanuel Zevullos.
I would be honored to help anyone who is ready to heal.
In Him Alone,